December 4th, 2014
When I first decided to get a dog I knew it would fill the void of a single 30 year old. The desire to care for something had begun to take over my aging body. I adopted a rescue dog from the hard streets of Mexico. I had done my research and requirements were clear. The dog must be: smart, energetic, good with kids, good with cats, good all around. I waited and looked until I found what I thought was the perfect dog. I saw pictures online and asked appropriate questions regarding her behaviour. She seemed to fit what I wanted in a dog. Once I had her for a day, it was clear she was a handful. She growled at my 4 year old nephew, jumped on people, barked ferociously as everyone and didn't listen to a word I said. I thought for sure I had made a huge mistake. I struggled with the fact that I now had a dog in my life that was out of control. I was often filled with regret and cried.
Here is one of the gifts my dog have to me:
I quickly began to ask myself why I got a dog in the first place. Was it simply for my own desires and needs? To fill my expectations and hopes? The love for another creature comes with acceptance and patience. This dog did not live up to my expectations and was that her fault? Absolutely not. Through acceptance and love and patience I was able to give her what she needed and not have her simply fill my needs. I made sure she ate the best food, ran through the woods every day, played with dogs and learned to listen through positive training techniques. I gave her more patience than I have offered anyone in my life. I focused on her needs and in return mine were met. She taught me how to love in a healthy way.
The other gift she gave me:
After only 7 short months of having her in my life ( half of her entire life of 14 months) this loving dog began to show signs or neurological problems. It progressed quickly and within two months of showing signs she was in constant pain, sleepless, couldn't walk and wouldn't eat. I spent every penny I had on local vets and borrowed money to take her to a specialist in Washington state. Without knowing the exact cause of her illness I prepared myself for the worst. I spent days crying at the thought of loosing her. Coming to terms with the concept of life and the unknown in love. I came to another realization which brought me more warmth and joy than I could have imagined. This realization was that; I had no regrets. I has given her all that I could give her. She played in the woods everyday, frolicked with dogs, ate bones, stayed at a friend's house during work hours and enjoyed the unconditional love I gave to her. If this was the end if her short life, that's ok, because I gave her the best life I could and I could let go knowing that. Having no regrets in life is a wonderful gift you can give yourself.
The third gift my dog gave me:
Going through an illness with my dog I realized another thing about myself. I will make a wonderful mother one day. This may not seem like a big deal, seeing as how that are plenty of capable parents in the world. But to me it was. Coming from a rocky childhood, I exploded into adulthood with depression, fear of abandonment, self doubt and a lack of self love. I therefore did not consider myself a candidate for motherhood. I feared my behaviour, my lows, my reactions etc. Having this dog in my life and truly being able to care for a creature diminished these fears that guided me through decision making processes. I will make a truly wonderful mother. I know that now. I trust and believe
Thank you Luna
November 30th 2014
Sweet love. Wool and warmth.
The agony of being apart from the love of your life, paired with a necessary silence is my torture. It's also my gift. This time alone with my temptations has given me a chance to truly get to know the patterns of my fears. My desire to control, to manipulate to fill a loss or void. All of these desires are weak compared to my will to be better. To be stronger, braver, love myself so it doesn't matter what happens because I am enough.
Then I can love him whole heartedly. And I dream of his embrace every day and night.
November 20th 2014
why is this world so dark to me
when does the point come
the sharp wide open eyes searching out a depth of dark unknown space
the loneliness and vastness of my mind
hasn't had enough searching and misery
it takes from me
it sheds me from it
it grows and my eyes bleed from dry blinking
so i wet them with sadness
and continue feeling the air
November 4th 2014
The truth is,
The sadness envelopes you like a sunrise.
It's warm and lonely.
It shines and reflects and becomes a part of your body until your alone. Lonely with a lover, or lonely with family
and there is nothing anyone can do.
Why does this take over when the body works so well to heal
and to create perfect opportunities for optimal health.
Because deep down we love the sun.
The loneliness of a morning when the world is still empty,
when you see few cars and no people as the first particles of light hit the earth and crawl towards you.
Because feeling nothing,
leaving love and excitement and happiness in the depth of night
feels like the only way to live.
Sept 29th 2014
If love is as real as a night
or a day
or an hour
does it move like we move through the temporal dimension.
does it follow our lead
or lead us on
I see no truth in its life
I don't see love as it would like
Sept 20th 2014
a small subtle breeze
moving small and subtle things
my big feelings have nothing
on the beauty of the unnoticed
Sept 10th 2014
June 23rd 2014
If you are lucky, you can sometimes capture yourself in a song. You can hold a feeling close to your heart only to have it rush from your body when a familiar sound is heard that reminds you of a particular time in your life.
Our cells divide and die and mutate. Our bodies remember things our minds can sometimes forget.
Music can come from a natural feeling and talent, or a technical understanding of sound waves and frequencies. It can be created out of love, sadness, ego.
I already love you
My music cannot speak to the depths of my despair and happiness. But I will continue to make it for you. Your ears are welcoming, so how can I resist.
June 2nd 2014
I love you so deeply
The fawn lay down in the short grass. The wolves teeth had already sunk in and she knew she had no ability to run and no need to fight. She lay still as her small body bled and with a peaceful mind. She knew she was dying.
Why this short life? She thought
Why this life at all?
How in these short moments did my ability to outrun the wolf disappear. Did I misplace a single foot during the chase? I must have. When jumping the stream I must have misplaced my left back hoof which then didn't allow me to keep my momentum. This made the gain much smaller and more likely for the wolf to catch me.
Such a small moment in time.
My left hoof.
And now I have been caught and I lay here bleeding and my body opened.
I am not angry.
I close my eyes and let my body go.
Here wolf, it's yours now. And just as I needed grass to nourish my body to grow to this size, you may happily eat my meat. The winter has been long and I can see by your size that you have been hungry.
It's ok, I don't mind. I'm here for you just as the grass is here for me. I am part of you now. I love you
May 6th, 2014
His eyes reflected the light in his room with the exception of the burnt charcoal pupil.
Where did the time go
Between here and there
I guess it doesn't matter anymore.
He sees clearly and you can trust his eyes.
March 27th, 2014
Im frightened by those who don't see me.
Im a strange woman. Needy and distant. Crazy and Loving. I care deeply.
I cry when the seaweed flows elegantly with the waves and the tide.
More tears follow when the sun reflects on the water as it always does and I am nothing.
I am humbled by the constant movement in the world. My eyes are closed. I am absent and the water and the sun and the seaweed continue to peacefully exist.
I am nothing in this colossal explosion of energy
I can study and live and love
and the insects can try and avoid my step
the birds can see me and fly away without my ever knowing
a species can die
a species can evolve
I can go to work or not
I can think about a boy endlessly
It scares me to know so little and I am frightened by those who don't see me.
February 17th, 2014
Your letters are strung together with thin strips of bark. Im impressed with your structure
But your words are so dull.
I love the feather you write with
But the ink is as special as an oil stain on the driveway.
I am obsessed with your lips and the movement of your body as you speak
But I cant stand to listen to you.
Please just build me one word with your tools and say it with your dance.
Then lay down next to me and shut the fuck up.
I love you