January 2nd 2016

January 2nd 2016

if only

there was more than these words 

and my music 

and my art 

and my kisses

2015

December 14th 2015 

As you hear these words,

your chest is rising and falling. 

The oxygen in your lungs passes through your alveoli and into your blood;

which your heart pumps.

The ancient mitochondria in your cells is creating chemical energy and 

your atoms are dancing. 

Oxygen and hydrogen. 

Your elections, elementary particles, are flying through space. 

Your protons and your neutrons are all a part of the dance.

But can we really call them yours? 

They are part of you for the time being,

and we are ever changing. 

Are they you?

Kiss me. 

Give me a part of you. 

Leave traces of your body on my tongue. 

Give me the leftover oxygen from your mouth, and the elements from your lips. 

Give me the atoms we called "yours", only moments ago. 

And remember that as you hear these words, the stars are suns so far away they are out of reach until you surrender your form. 

Remember that sounds are living and dying in places we will never understand. 

Remember that our solar system circles the milky way, 

and our earth circles the sun 

and there is something inside us that knows what it is to move through space on a meteor. 

There is something inside us that knows the love of every ancestor that came before. 

The embrace and the sex and the birth. 

The DNA, atoms, and oscillating strings. 

You are created from bacterial space travellers and thousands of lovers. 

You are temporary.

Your off white sheets will one day cover your body in the ground. 

Your heart won't pump your blood and your chemistry will change. 

For now, it's you I love, 

and you don't have to hold fast to anything. 

Don't be afraid of who you think you are. 

Your atoms won't betray you. 

If your mind becomes confused or your body becomes ill, you are still the person you have always dreamed of being.

let your chest rise and fall effortlessly. 

I want to love you 

I am temporary too. 

October 2nd 2015

How can I ever compare to the sweet memories you carry with you.

To your broken hearted past 

Is there room for me?

Or are you still bound to people I can't see...

Of course there is room. 

Love is endless and cannot run dry. 

We can love our past with a fullness and still find room. 

Then why my slowly growing fear?

Why does it live in the same place I find the source of my feelings for you?

The warmth doesn't shift to a coolness.

My heart feels healthy and open

It is simply covered in a light mist of the uncertinty

"We will hurt each other from time to time". 

A sentiment I enjoy. 

An acceptance of something real. 

And something that is beautiful. 

Perhaps one day my feelings are hurt because I ask your opinion of a song. One that I wrote with love for you. And your small musical critique of a certain sound hurt me. Not because I don't want your ear to help me make it sweeter. But because in that moment I couldn't imagine wanting to impress you more. Because in that moment I stare into your eyes and your body, waiting for you to recognize the passion in me that I'm giving to you.

Maybe one day I show my lack of trust. And it hurts. 

There's nothing wrong with the pain. Or the fear. Avoiding either will not make them disappear. 

My fear is that you are still longing for someone I could never be. 

My fear is that memories are sweetest when looked at through love. 

My fear is that I could be alone one day. Helplessly loving you. 

September 21st 2015

How can I express my gratitude for things learned in the last 6 months. Who do I thank? How many people does my gratefulness extend to. The strangers who touched the lives of this who touched mine. The stars and the moon. 

Dear Lover

I understand completely 

when you say that you feel that you are,

"dipping your toes into pools of water". 

The topics we are grazing are exciting and require further dialogue.

Not to mention the fact that I think we both feel that we are only barely getting our thoughts across. Regardless, I think we understand one another. 

Labels that are given and chosen.

I haven't delved deep into this topic yet myself. 

But it is something I have been contemplating a lot within the last year. 

Last summer I wouldn't identify as a "producer", but I would say that I was depressed. 

Neither of those things is necessary or unnecessary. 

But we have an agreement as a species to connect words and things and emotions so that we can try to understand one another. For the purpose of medicine, identification is necessary; Wether it is something more tangible like cancer or something more psychological like depression. 

They both have physical symptoms as well as affects. 

Depression has a very complex list of changes that occur in the body. 

Cells craving habitual hormones 

and hormones causing havoc on the entire system so that the body, internally is in a state of running from a predator. 

But…the point that I was loosely making, is 'when does the label becomes a part of the illness?'

When it comes to mental health, the label can become a strong identifier. A way for others to blame or make excuses for a type of feeling or behaviour. 

It can stick. The initial formation of groups and diagnosis are so important. 

"Here are traits and an illness you may have, now here are the tools based on what we know". 

The balance here has not yet been discovered.

So I am making the journey myself.

When does being accountable, become self blame? 

When does it cross a line of healing and feed the illness itself?

Which brings me to the topic that you spoke about before…

Being present. 

July 19th, 2015

I am sitting in a cafe listening to a lovely old man give a local barista the details of my show last night. He of course is unknowing that I am me. 

But I am me. A struggling musician with a heart of gold and a wavering sense of confidence. 

Last nights show was difficult. I always struggle with asserting myself during a sounds check, knowing what exactly I need etc. Different venues offer different struggles and hurdles to overcome. It is a constant learning experience. I try never to play the role of an all knowing musician. Sometimes I find myself falling into a meek role during my set up. I am learning to speak up and say "please turn off the house speakers so we can get the monitor mix just right". Last night the music was asked to be very low due to there being neighbours. The beginning of my set felt poor. I could hear the audience whisper and struggled with hearing my vocals in my headphone as there were no monitors. I had the awful feeling of wanting to exit the stage. Finish as quickly as I could. Fortunately for me that is never an option. So what does one do? Dig deep. I closed my eyes and grabbed for something. A connection with my music. My connection wasn't reaching the crowd so to bond with my music was the only option I saw. I closed my eyes and moved my body, opened my lungs and sang. I feel that the end half of my set was some of the best vocal work I have done. 

Remaining strong, feeling fear, allowing sadness, embarrassment are all key, while never giving up. 

July 13th, 2015

Falling in love has always been perfect and beautiful. 

the dynamic between two people is a natural thing that occurs with no faults and only perfection. 

If I love him can I do so without fear? If I love him can I accept that the future is unwritten? If I allow myself to feel love for him, what are the boundaries that come with my love. What history and formula do I string behind me and what do I see in his hand? The thoughts and needs of a man being gracefully held in his palm and offered to me. If our current ideas of romance and love are not aligned do we sing the song of sadness and say goodbye?

There is no control in love. There are no expectations. Love doesn't fit in something clean that we create. It is not a structure, is is not a "thing". I want to hold his eyes in my eye, cradled in my gaze. I want to show him my admiration when I touch his hand with mine. Sincerely and with warmth and acceptance. I have a fragile concept of love. I am a seedling buried with dirt, waiting for rain. Waiting for him to shower me with his heart.  

May 25th 2015 

I know a type of person. The type of person who seeks out very specific goals in life. A job, or partner, or a home. I truly admire that "goal driven" personality. The determination in knowing so clearly and deeply what you "want". The difficulty I have with this particular path is; Do you know for certain that have achieved what you need in life or love? How do we truly know what we "need"? Our minds are a tricky palace of mystery and knowledge. There are mythological tales being told behind every door. Illusions being created by the architect of our mind. How can we possibly "know" what is right for us? Then we feel a glowing earth toward the path of our loving life. 

And our hearts guide us home. 

May 24 2015

How many days now?

How many days since I have kissed a man lovingly? 

How long has it been since a warm face was close to mine.

Since I felt the scratching of my cheek from the stubbornly, every growing facial hair. 

How long since I felt a mans hot, sweet breath against my lips and tongue and I reach to the part of me that is strong and knowing. 

I don't know what this year will bring

I don't know what love lies in wait. 

But I know that my heart is not confused.

Stranger I have yet to meet. 

I know that I want you.  

May 11, 2015

I noticed you before. You. Myself

Loving and deeply wanting. 

Then the anger and loss and timeless sight and lack of love. 

When is love love? When is it not real? If it ends did it ever really exist. 

I know who you are. Thinking about what to write and how to say the things you feel, think and want others to know. How certain things will benefit your image, your "side" of things. 

This is silly and one day you will be gone, in the earth or the sky and your neuronal pathways will no longer run in a manner familiar to you. Your genome may only be 4% of the future species DNa. You may be recycled again and again, occulting. The point is, no opinion truly matters, especially when it comes to the truth of your heart. There is no story to tell of your occasional mistreatment and ultimate heartbreak. You know everything that needed to be known to you then. Keep your mind alert and awake and open to every moment and lesson. And move towards your fate, your death with love and grace. Good job trinity 

April 22, 2015

Write a story that speaks the truth. A truth we all want to hear. Nothing too emotional and nothing too distant and rational. Share just enough. Show just enough skin. expose your soul, but not your soul.

Live and learn to love a certain way. Show the world you are your story. 

I am not a tale of grand design. I discover myself every morning and forget myself by sunset. 

I am a coward fighting flies. I am flying towards the moon, without air and without regret. 

I can't remember everything. But I know It has all happened. 

April 19th 2015 

A friend and I woke before the sun had a chance to sneak through the trees and onto our tired faces. We opened the earth with a sharp shovel hoping to find worms that will feed a fish, so that the fish will feed us. We both gathered our woven baskets filled with apples and tea. 

Once at the entrance to the private lake, fishing gear was gathered and my dog was let loose to freely roam the woods and grassy path. 

Our trail was beautiful and muddy and we bothered to step lightly in places with care. My shoes did not suffice and my socks paid the price. 

Ahh, but the air was ripe with dew and the lake was blanketed in a thin fog. 

Geese preformed a dance of displeasure at our arrival. A beaver waved its tail before diving into the darker depth of the lake. The owl made itself heard and known and the frogs sung the last of their nightly gospel. 

The fish jumped once and bit twice. 

We left with the sun on our backs and our bucket empty. Our faces glowing and our rods light. Im sorry to the worms for such a ruthless sacrifice and death. 

I hope your life was beautiful and ended in only one bad day. 

March 26th 2015

A friend said "what if I'm alone"

Her recent break up has been gift as it has been helpful to me in navigating through mine. 

The fear of being alone, being unlovable. The fear of where you stand in society, where your worth is measured is a truly frightening thing to consider during times of heartache. 

The goal of strength and healing during theses times is not to heal enough to be in another relationship, but to heal so that we feel comfortable and worthy. Whether these men love us or not, want us or not.

When did we become so afraid.  Has it always been? 

When did our hearts become filled with love outside of us? 

And empty when that love is lost. 

Dear friend, please be sad but not afraid, you are never alone. We are all connected and there is so much that we don't understand. 

Dear friend, please find love in your heart, its already there waiting for you to discover it. 

March 24 2015

When the man you love no longer loves you, loves another beautiful woman and is building a new relationship and therefore cannot have you in their life.

Yes this happens and it hurts. When you are the person who is stranded in the past feeling the longing and pain from what "was". You are the one alone in this, you past lover is happy and bounding forward with ease, grace and no regret. 

You are dragging your emotions behind you along a dirt trail chocking on his dust. 

I tear my shirt and create a bandit mask to filter the dust and catch my tears. I remove my shoes to ease resistance against gravity in my weak state. 

I reach for a branch and make a cane to lighten the strain on my thighs. 

He is no where to be seen and bless him for that. Had he looked back, or asked you how your journey was, perhaps you would have fallen. If he had picked you up, you wouldn't not grow stronger. He is no longer on your path. There have been many joining trails and there no telling which direction he has gone. But you know he is happy and he could never make you happy. 

Wish him well on his journey. Love any one that he loves. 

Pick up one foot, however hard it may be, and then the other. 

Move slowly forward and rest when you are tired. 

Do not feel lonely, you are surrounded by love. You may not be able to see the faces or hear the voices, but it is there. 

Do not be afraid. This is not a place for embarrassment and self pity. 

You are stronger than you thought you were and the trail is beautiful. 

Take your time. 

Enjoy the pain, the pleasure will eventually find you again one day. 

March 15th 2015

Napkin and felt pen and coffee shop and waiting 

Why these sensations? 

This undeniable feeling that your not as distinctive as you think. That you're not as separate as you feel. That your breath is an exhale and and inhale of air that we share. The contents of your exhale are for him to breath in. Your lungs kiss his heart through space. There is no separation between you and the boy you feel watching you. 

His striped sweater sits in the furthest reach of your periphery. Clinging to your visual possibilities. Asking for notice. 

What if he wore grey today?

What if you didn't breath?

The future is already path that was carved by the stream you cried over the other man. 

Your heart is perfect right now for everyone.

The past is a mirror at your present. 

You walk away and towards yourself with such beauty and elegant grace. 

You are sure to love every significant step in every direction. 

I hope this pen is full.

I hope my writing is clear. 

I know my heart is open and my body is whole. 

I know love

And i'm so glad you wore stripes today. 

March 11 2015

sprouting sprouts of hopeful thoughts 

counting blinks and breaths 

i love the grumbling of a tree rubbing another in the wind. letting everyone know its calm discomfort. the deep frequency of bark against bark, breaking and fading from years of friction until the spot itself is bare and raw. exposing the vibrancy of the colourful inside wood

February 19th 2015 

Particles can be in 3,000 places at once. That's one particle, one "thing" we are taught to think of as a tangible single "object". 3,000 places at once! Un measurable and influenced by everyone and anyone. Modern science, for example the field of Quantum Mechanics, now speaks about intention as a very real and scientific part of the universe. The influence of the observer is undeniable. The true connections of our world becomes more and more rich with possibilities as we continue unravelling each mystery the deeper we go into science. Currently it is possible for particles to effect one another through "entanglement theory". 

This all gives my heart a sense of calm. I know so little and can create so much. I can feel so much fear and doubt and sadness and yet love him so deeply and without question. I can love him and know that my love is more powerful than a text, an email, a photo. My love is more powerful than the idea of what it means to love someone, to be in a relationship, to marry, etc. 

He recently said "I will always feel your love and I hope you will always feel mine…" 

Once considered, isn't that the most beautiful statement a person can say to you? To know that as long as they breath and are aware, they will be open to feeling every connected particle, every particle that we share, every loving intention. Its not the wedding, or the union that is the true expression of love. The truest love, is the love that is unconditional. Not the loves that dies with time, or is taken away as punishment or convenience or out of pain and fear. 

The present is affected equally by the past and the future. 

I don't need to marry him to know everything has led up to this and will lead up to this current experience and I look forward to the future that brought him to my past. 

February 3 2015

Inspiration comes easily now. The creative mind tends to lean towards others for added energy. 

This does not mean it drains other minds, But rather, energy is gained through like-mindedness and drive. Working with Sqface aka "The Creat[er]" on an upcoming music video is beyond exciting! His talented eye and new equipment, not to mention absolute passion, drive and willingness is such a blessing. I am so grateful and thankful. I can't wait to share our vision and combined art with all of you! 

February 2nd 2015

I couldn't feel more supported currently. I have to thank myself for all of my hard work that has allowed me the opportunity to connect with a bunch of amazing people. A wonderful friend, Egor has been a huge inspiration and help as his passion for creative endeavours has opened up a blooming relationship between artistic minds. Egor has not only taken on the creation of what will be an amazing music video, he is also supportive in writing about my music via his electronic music blog: Blackout BBQ! 

http://blackoutbbq.com/

His high energy and abstract mind have helped to invigorate my own creativity and I cannot be more grateful. 

Another unexpected relationship has started when I was approached by progressive house and techno producer "Raavn" from Slovakia. He asked me if I was interested in doing a remix of one of his tracks. Since it was obviously tasteful and very well done, I was very excited to give the remix a try. We then have agreed to release both my remix as well as my new three track ep on his label, "ABTC Recordings." This small step forward and immense support form someone more familiar with the industry gives me such hope and such creative drive. My gratitude is deep and rich. 

http://www.abtc-recordings.com/

Grateful today!  

January 7 2015

We think in intervals of 10. A gift from our latin based language. I try to hold on to the asian language that sits on the other side of the room, giving me only a few words at a time that I understand, mixed amongst and endless string of mumbles and sounds. At least thats how I feel. 

I strain to see far distances and lately the blur creeps closer within my view. 

I sleep poorly and feel the anguish and desperation that lack of sleep brings my mind and bones. 

The years speed past me and I sit motionless and attempt to grow internally as timeshows its presence on my body. 

I love you time. Thank you for giving life a momentum. For allowing it to exist in the way we preserve it. 

2014

December 4th, 2014

When I first decided to get a dog I knew it would fill the void of a single 30 year old. The desire to care for something had begun to take over my aging body. I adopted a rescue dog from the hard streets of Mexico. I had done my research and requirements were clear. The dog must be: smart, energetic, good with kids, good with cats, good all around. I waited and looked until I found what I thought was the perfect dog. I saw pictures online and asked appropriate questions regarding her behaviour. She seemed to fit what I wanted in a dog. Once I had her for a day, it was clear she was a handful. She growled at my 4 year old nephew, jumped on people, barked ferociously as everyone and didn't listen to a word I said. I thought for sure I had made a huge mistake. I struggled with the fact that I now had a dog in my life that was out of control. I was often filled with regret and cried. 

Here is one of the gifts my dog have to me:

I quickly began to ask myself why I got a dog in the first place. Was it simply for my own desires and needs? To fill my expectations and hopes? The love for another creature comes with acceptance and patience. This dog did not live up to my expectations and was that her fault? Absolutely not. Through acceptance and love and patience I was able to give her what she needed and not have her simply fill my needs. I made sure she ate the best food, ran through the woods every day, played with dogs and learned to listen through positive training techniques. I gave her more patience than I have offered anyone in my life. I focused on her needs and in return mine were met. She taught me how to love in a healthy way. 

The other gift she gave me:

After only 7 short months of having her in my life ( half of her entire life of 14 months) this loving dog began to show signs or neurological problems. It progressed quickly and within two months of showing signs she was in constant pain, sleepless, couldn't walk and wouldn't eat. I spent every penny I had on local vets and borrowed money to take her to a specialist in Washington state. Without knowing the exact cause of her illness I prepared myself for the worst. I spent days crying at the thought of loosing her. Coming to terms with the concept of life and the unknown in love. I came to another realization which brought me more warmth and joy than I could have imagined. This realization was that; I had no regrets. I has given her all that I could give her. She played in the woods everyday, frolicked with dogs, ate bones, stayed at a friend's house during work hours and enjoyed the unconditional love I gave to her. If this was the end if her short life, that's ok, because I gave her the best life I could and I could let go knowing that. Having no regrets in life is a wonderful gift you can give yourself. 

The third gift my dog gave me:

Going through an illness with my dog I realized another thing about myself. I will make a wonderful mother one day. This may not seem like a big deal, seeing as how that are plenty of capable parents in the world. But to me it was. Coming from a rocky childhood, I exploded into adulthood with depression, fear of abandonment, self doubt and a lack of self love. I therefore did not consider myself a candidate for motherhood. I feared my behaviour, my lows, my reactions etc. Having this dog in my life and truly being able to care for a creature diminished these fears that guided me through decision making processes. I will make a truly wonderful mother. I know that now. I trust and believe 

 Thank you Luna 

November 30th 2014

Sweet love. Wool and warmth. 

The agony of being apart from the love of your life, paired with a necessary silence is my torture. It's also my gift. This time alone with my temptations has given me a chance to truly get to know the patterns of my fears. My desire to control, to manipulate to fill a loss or void. All of these desires are weak compared to my will to be better. To be stronger, braver, love myself so it doesn't matter what happens because I am enough. 

Then I can love him whole heartedly. And I dream of his embrace every day and night. 

November 20th 2014

why is this world so dark to me

when does the point come

the sharp wide open eyes searching out a depth of dark unknown space

the loneliness and vastness of my mind

hasn't had enough searching and misery

it takes from me 

it sheds me from it

it grows and my eyes bleed from dry blinking

so i wet them with sadness

and continue feeling the air

November 4th 2014

The truth is, 

The sadness envelopes you like a sunrise. 

It's warm and lonely. 

It shines and reflects and becomes a part of your body until your alone. Lonely with a lover, or lonely with family 

and there is nothing anyone can do.

Why does this take over when the body works so well to heal 

and to create perfect opportunities for optimal health. 

Because deep down we love the sun. 

The loneliness of a morning when the world is still empty, 

when you see few cars and no people as the first particles of light hit the earth and crawl towards you. 

Because feeling nothing, 

feeling indifferent, 

leaving love and excitement and happiness in the depth of night 

feels like the only way to live. 

Sept 29th 2014

If love is as real as a night

or a day

or an hour

does it move like we move through the temporal dimension. 

does it follow our lead 

or lead us on 

I see no truth in its life

I don't see love as it would like

Sept 20th 2014 

a small subtle breeze 

moving small and subtle things

my big feelings have nothing 

on the beauty of the unnoticed 

Sept 10th 2014 

carnivorous actions

slipping skin

true personalities

sexy honesty 

June 23rd 2014

If you are lucky, you can sometimes capture yourself in a song. You can hold a feeling close to your heart only to have it rush from your body when a familiar sound is heard that reminds you of a particular time in your life. 

Our cells divide and die and mutate. Our bodies remember things our minds can sometimes forget. 

Music can come from a natural feeling and talent, or a technical understanding of sound waves and frequencies. It can be created out of love, sadness, ego. 

I already love you

My music cannot speak to the depths of my despair and happiness. But I will continue to make it for you. Your ears are welcoming, so how can I resist.

June 2nd 2014 

I love you so deeply 

May 31st 

The fawn lay down in the short grass. The wolves teeth had already sunk in and she knew she had no ability to run and no need to fight. She lay still as her small body bled and with a peaceful mind. She knew she was dying.

Why this short life? She thought

Why this life at all?

How in these short moments did my ability to outrun the wolf disappear. Did I misplace a single foot during the chase? I must have. When jumping the stream I must have misplaced my left back hoof which then didn't allow me to keep my momentum. This made the gain much smaller and more likely for the wolf to catch me.

Such a small moment in time. 

My left hoof. 

The stream.

And now I have been caught and I lay here bleeding and my body opened. 

I am not angry.

I close my eyes and let my body go. 

Here wolf, it's yours now. And just as I needed grass to nourish my body to grow to this size, you may happily eat my meat. The winter has been long and I can see by your size that you have been hungry. 

It's ok, I don't mind. I'm here for you just as the grass is here for me. I am part of you now. I love you

May 6th, 2014

His eyes reflected the light in his room with the exception of the burnt charcoal pupil. 

Where did the time go

Between here and there

I guess it doesn't matter anymore. 

He sees clearly and you can trust his eyes. 

Love

March 27th, 2014 

Im frightened by those who don't see me.

Im a strange woman. Needy and distant. Crazy and Loving. I care deeply. 

I cry when the seaweed flows elegantly with the waves and the tide. 

More tears follow when the sun reflects on the water as it always does and I am nothing. 

I am humbled by the constant movement in the world. My eyes are closed. I am absent and the water and the sun and the seaweed continue to peacefully exist. 

I am nothing in this colossal explosion of energy

I can study and live and love 

and the insects can try and avoid my step

the birds can see me and fly away without my ever knowing

a species can die

a species can evolve 

I can go to work or not

I can think about a boy endlessly

It scares me to know so little and I am frightened by those who don't see me. 

February 17th, 2014

Your letters are strung together with thin strips of bark. Im impressed with your structure 

But your words are so dull. 

I love the feather you write with 

But the ink is as special as an oil stain on the driveway. 

I am obsessed with your lips and the movement of your body as you speak 

But I cant stand to listen to you. 

Please just build me one word with your tools and say it with your dance. 

Then lay down next to me and shut the fuck up. 

I love you

2013

July 24 2013

halfway 

You are halfway on your journeys path

Do not be saddened by this thought

That you have already reached the centre of your life

Consider it the centre of the earth and once you reach the other side of the earths crust, you may feel finished with your trek

But the universe expands far beyond your conquest

Look up towards the sky once you reach the end. You'll see

halfway

Its barely halfway

June 10 2013

Ebb and Flow.